There’s A Meeting In My Bedroom, You Decide My Fateateateate!

DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT 
Here is this weekend’s misadventure:
A 60 year old woman comes into my PT job every time I work there. I am friendly with her, and everyone else who walks through the door.Saturday she purchases a couple of items and on her way out of the door tells me she wants to send me a picture of the living room she’s putting together. The items she purchased that day would be the final pieces  she adds to the decor.

My stupid ass replies,”I don’t want a picture. I want a tour.”

She laughs and says, “I’ll send you a picture”, and takes down my number. I thought nothing about giving her my number. The older women who come to my job request it often. They are fond of bringing me lunch and giving me little knickknacks and sage advice. I thought she was that style of older woman. I was wrong, very wrong.

She calls me on my break and peppers me with questions. “How old are you?  What side of town do you live on? What kinda car you drive?  I know you’re paid.”

I replied, “My break is up, I’ll have to check you later Ma.”

Flash forward to 1AM. I get a call. The person on the other end is  breathing heavily.  She tells me that she and her daughter have just left a Silk concert and that she would like to arrange a meeting in her bedroom.

I was momentarily intrigued by the prospect of this meeting until I realized who was on the other end of the call.

My face fell to the floor.

“What have I done?”

I tell her that I’m at work, (I was.), and that we should talk about this later.
She’s been blowing up my phone since. I think Obama gave her the launch codes. I can’t even look at my phone without seeing a fresh tet from her or a missed call.
I’m conflicted.
I feel as if it would be against the code for me to not go through with the deed even though I have absolutely no interest in doing so.
No one likes to be led on, and apparently Your Friendly Neighborhood Dash Mane led this honey-blonde low-boy wearing cougar on.
She is certain she has a ticket to ride Dash Mountain.
Because I’m unable to arrive at a decision, I will crowdsource my decision, and allow the readers of this post to decide my fate.

Plies And The Realization of MLK’s Dream Redux

Today I have decided to dust off and refresh a post from my days at WatchMeYule. Plies & The The Realization  of Martin Luther King’s Dream was originally published January 17, 2007.

It is Martin Luther King Jr. Day Eve, the unofficial kickoff to the Black History season. The achievements of Black Americans will begin to be run in the media in a continuous loop.

CNN will trot out Soledad O’Brien’s Black In America again, white people will decry the absence of a White History Month,and some of you reading this will continue to be ignorant of the cultural importance of Algernod Lanier Washington.

Who is Algernod Lanier Washington?

He is an African American poet, musician, philanthropist, entrepreneur, and anti-miscegenation law activist best known to the world as Plies.

What makes the music of Plies important and Black Historic?

Plies has a fondness for white women. The affliction of Snowbunnyphilia has struck many a Black man. Throughout American history the union of Black men and white women was frowned upon, and could often lead to the death of the man involved. Plies knew this, and felt that it was his duty to change this.

But how would he do it?

Form a charitable foundation?

Fund an erotic protest film filled with miscegenation?

As a musician his best weapons to fight his battle against those who seek to stop and/or retard race-mixing was/is his songs.

On June 23, 2009 Plies premiered the song “Becky” on Macon, Georgia Radio Station Power 107.1. The symbolism of this is not lost on the author. Plies chose to debut this song that has overt sexual and racial undertones in a city that has a history of racial strife. This act of courage should not go uncelebrated. He braved the heat with such tenacity that it would make the furnace facing Hebrew Boys of the Bible blush.

The fact that a Black man felt that he could  get on to your radio and flip a name revered by white people, just do a google image search for Becky, into a term for fellatio is further proof that America is on the right track to the realization of the Dream of Reverend Dr. Marty Mart. King wanted White children and Black children to be able to play together. The success of “Becky” is the biggest triumph of the “love who the hell you want to love” ethos since Loving vs Virginia. Plies has made it fine and dandy for Black Children and White Children to form fellationships, and for that he should be apart of your and my Black History celebrations.

The Camera Girl

What if Seinfeld was still airing today? How would The Show About Nothing respond to an America remade by social media and smart phones? The Twitter account @SeinfeldToday, which is the brainchild of @BuzzFeedJack and @JoshGondleman, attempts to answer those questions 140 characters at a time.

I took the above Tweet, and expanded on it. The result is the brief script below.

*Click and Enjoy*

The Camera Girl

Feedback is welcome.

Dashton Abbey

Upon being informed that Downton Abbey series 3 was set to premier on PBS January 6th your Friendly Neighborhood Dashmane endeavored to catch up. These are his tweets.
  1. WitchDrDash
    My weekend will be spent watching Downton Abbey. 4 episodes on Saturday and 4 episodes on Sunday. I’m not watching football. I’m still hurt.
  2. WitchDrDash
    Catching up on Downton Abbey and serving the fiends. RT @muzeness: happy saturday folks! what y’all up to?
  3. WitchDrDash
    There are so many characters on Downton Abbey. I should have read the wiki to refresh my memory.
  4. WitchDrDash
    My dawg wanted to marry you, but you saw fit to play games. He now has a new bitch. #DowntonAbbey
  5. WitchDrDash
    Who are these bitches to be walking around and giving white feathers to my people? #DowntonAbbey
  6. WitchDrDash
    Trench warfare is a concept that is difficult for me to picture. Films don’t seem to do it justice.
  7. WitchDrDash
    The Earl of Grantham only believes war is beautiful and honorable because he fought before the machine gun and mustard gas. #DowntonAbbey
  8. WitchDrDash
    I was under the impression that Edith was engaged to be married.
  9. WitchDrDash
    I respect that Thomas Barrow uses his penis as a weapon to rise above his station. #DowntonAbbey
  10. WitchDrDash
    Your language leaves much to be desired. Redskins fans always show a lack of class RT @ethiopianboy @lifeofalibra what the fuck is a Songza?
  11. WitchDrDash
    Is Edith about to give up the box to this low class farm hand? #DowntonAbbey
  12. WitchDrDash
    Mr. Mosely didn’t wait for the dust to settle on Anna’s box before he made a play for it. He’s The Reggie Evavns of Downton. #DowntonAbbey
  13. WitchDrDash
    Thomas looks like an Anne Rice vampire. He behaves like one too. #DowntonAbbey
  14. WitchDrDash
    I’m too selfish to have made Downton a convalescent home. Once you do that, there is no going back to the glamorous life. #DowntonAbbey
  15. WitchDrDash
    This fire crotch new servant is getting on my nerves. #DowntonAbbey
  16. WitchDrDash
    Daisy you better give that ass up to my boy before he goes to war. Do it for King & Country! #DowntonAbbey
  17. WitchDrDash
    “I’m a woman. I can be as contrary as I choose.”-Dowager Countess #DowntonAbbey
  18. WitchDrDash
    This bitch Mrs. Crowley has too much vinegar in her bush. She’s so bossy and self-important. #DowntonAbbey
  19. WitchDrDash
    Daisy is happy William is presumed dead. Now she doesn’t have to give up her secret garden. #DowntonAbbey
  20. WitchDrDash
    Mr. Bates is a master of the “Wait Until My Wife Is Out Of The Way Game”. It is awe inspiring. #DowntonAbbey
  21. WitchDrDash
    I am burning my 1 week trial of Hulu Plus on the second half of Downton Abbey season 2.
  22. WitchDrDash
    Why is Mrs. O’Brien so evil? She’s like a Twitter Honey. #DowntonAbbey
  23. WitchDrDash
    You shouldn’t have let him raw, Ethel. He skeeted betwixt your loins and chucked the deuces, which was a smooth move. #DowntonAbbey
  24. WitchDrDash
    Daisy is the worst type of person; the kind that won’t see things through to the end. William is trying to look out. #DowntonAbbey
  25. WitchDrDash
    Daisy wasn’t worthy of William’s love. His heart was pure and his spirit beautiful. Fuck that bitch! *tears up* #DowntonAbbey
  26. WitchDrDash
    Who is this burned fellow? I get the feeling that a bullet may need to enter his brain after awhile. #DowntonAbbey
  27. WitchDrDash
    Mr. Bates must have a strong back to make up for his limp because his ex-wife will not let him go. #DowntonAbbey
  28. WitchDrDash
    I don’t trust this cat with the burned face. I think he is about to try to steal the estate. He’s a DECEIVER! #DowntonAbbey
  29. WitchDrDash
    If your woman sprinkles salt upon you in the manner that Mrs. Bates salts Mr. Bates, Chris Browning her is acceptable. #DowntonAbbey
  30. WitchDrDash
    I want Daisy to commit suicide, either her or Miss O’Brien. O’Brien has no real purpose but to cause mischief, like Loki. #DowntonAbbey
  31. WitchDrDash
    Lady Sybil is the most attractive of The Crawley sisters.
  32. WitchDrDash
    Daisy still wants to sleep with Thomas even though you can smell the jism coming out of his pores. #DowntonAbbey
  33. WitchDrDash
    Thomas is a hustler. I take back all the things I have said about him. Put those non-perishable goods on the streets homie! #DowntonAbbey
  34. WitchDrDash
    Don’t marry him Sybil! He has abusive tendencies. He will ruin you for a real player like myself. Think of your family! #DowntonAbbey
  35. WitchDrDash
    No one can tell me what happened to that gentleman that was wooed by Edith. #DowntonAbbey
  36. WitchDrDash
    Damn Mrs. Bates is a beast. The slay from the grave. I salute her. #DowntonAbbey
  37. WitchDrDash
    Thomas hit them with that swerve. The old soap-crack rock move. #DowntonAbbey
  38. WitchDrDash
    I am now on episode 8 of season two. I should Storify my #DowntonAbbey live tweets.
  39. WitchDrDash
    Lavinia has no shape. Even if you are thin, a little juice in the poot-box has never hurt anyone. #DowntonAbbey
  40. WitchDrDash
    No one seems to be getting their dick sucked on #DowntonAbbey. All these rooms and no one is getting ducked off and sucked off.
  41. WitchDrDash
    Mr. Bryant has an acidic tongue. He lobs the word bastard around like he’s Chris Paul tossing passes to Blake Griffin. #DowntonAbbey
  42. WitchDrDash
    Mr. Crawley is a better man than me. My daughter would not have run off with the limo driver. #DowntonAbbey
  43. WitchDrDash
    Were Miranda rights read to suspects arrested in 1919 Britain?
  44. WitchDrDash
    Who is this new broad in kitchen sowing discord?
  45. WitchDrDash
    That system often leaves kids broke, uneducated, and with no options. Similar to minor league baseball. @CorettaScottKey
  46. WitchDrDash
    I still don’t know the name of this short squat woman who is constantly hectoring Daisy. #DowntonAbbey
  47. WitchDrDash
    I might just make a spot of tea. RT @LaurenKolligs: @WitchDrDash ☕ here’s a cup of tea. ‘\_/
  48. WitchDrDash
    I unlocked the Downton Abbey Season 3 Premiere sticker on #GetGlue! is.gd/4Iu9P2
  49. WitchDrDash
    @panamajackson I like Four Brothers even though it is a paint-by-numbers Western.
  50. WitchDrDash
    The DVR is a glorious invention. RT @mia_sade: I’m missing #DowntonPBS. Thank goodness for DVR.
  51. WitchDrDash
    Mr. Carson isn’t feeling The Sybil-Branson union. #DowntonAbbey
  52. WitchDrDash
    A young black prize-fighter, played by me should be brought in to woo Edith. It would be so SCANDALOUS! *Ashley’s Voice* #DowntonAbbey
  53. WitchDrDash
    Larry is behaving how niggas named Larry are expected to behave. #DowntonAbbey
  54. WitchDrDash
    The Countess makes me sad that I didn’t have the pleasure of growing up with a grandmother. They have the saltiest tongues. #DowntonAbbey
  55. WitchDrDash
    Matthew and his disgusting bourgeois nobility is going to bring down the estate. #DowntonAbbey
  56. WitchDrDash
    Matthew hasn’t grown to understand his responsibility to Downton and it’s staff yet. It’s been 2 1/9th seasons bruh. #DowntonAbbey
  57. WitchDrDash
    I wonder who it would be to knock a chick off if I had an immobile arm. I am sure there is a sexual underground for that. #DowntonAbbey
  58. WitchDrDash
    Who is this new woman being loose with her tongue with the disgraced footman? #DowntonAbbey
  59. WitchDrDash
    Edith come into the arms of this wondrous chocolate Jack Johnson stand-in. #DowntonAbbey
  60. WitchDrDash
    His wife committed suicide and implicated him in her death. RT @danamo: why is Bates in jail again? #Downton
  61. WitchDrDash
    Especially if you are a gentleman caller. He will give you you the shaft. RT @danamo: never take a tip from Thomas. #Downton
  62. WitchDrDash
    Just realized there have been four weddings/marriages on Downton Abbey in just over two seasons.

Picking Pockets #6

This edition of Things Found In My Pocket is brought to you by the hardworking law-breaking rouge. This collection of links to be read later all have a theme. Let’s see if you can put on your thinking caps and figure it out.

Crime: Smuggling

Anything can be smuggled. Add a tariff to a product and the likelihood and attractiveness of smuggling it increases a great deal. A tariff was placed on Chinese honey, and the resulting story could produce a re-imagining of Brokedown Palace.

Crime: Homicide

In unsurprising news, the Chief Keef-fueled homicides that rocked Chicago in 2012, most of which the authorities described as gang-against-gang shootings, have not been spread evenly across the city. Instead they have been concentrated in the neighborhoods of Chicago’s South and West sides.

Crime: Racketeering 

And you thought your job sucked. Brazilian prison gang hosts 10 hour conference call. Among topics discussed are smuggling routes, drug sales, and why this conference call has to last 10 hours. I am sure at least one of those involved in this call spent the majority of it looking at cat pictures online.

 

Crime: Money Laundering

Have your faith in the banking industry restored! Europe’s biggest bank, HSBC, will pay $1.92bn to settle a money-laundering probe by authorities in the United States.

Crime: Breaking & Entering

Crime pays. If it didn’t, many noble men and women wouldn’t become professional criminals. The burglars from the Christmas classic Home Alone expected to receive a easy payday from a simple B&E. That was until they found themselves in the cross-hairs of the plucky Kevin McCallister. Their efforts to loot the McCallister home resulted in jail time and a laundry list of industries. Dr. Ryan St. Clair of the Weill Cornell Medical College diagnoses the injuries they received at the hands of a child that was home alone.

 

Crime: Theft

According to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, iPhone thefts are responsible for the increase in the city’s annual crime index. Rick Ross isn’t the only person fond of engaging in iPhone based criminal activity.

 

Others:

Where Were You When They Vandalized Our Lord?

Victims Of Gun Violence Describe How It Feels To Be Shot

How The New Decider Chooses The Fate Of Terrorists 

The LAPD Gets Bamboozled With Two Rocket Launchers During Their Post Sandy Hook Gun Buyback

Japan’s 99% Conviction Rate Is Called Into Question